Tag Archives: codependence

Choosing Love in Conflict

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I heard this song, “Choose You,” the other day and kind of fell in love with it. In a landscape of romance songs codependently decrying “I can’t live without you”, Stan Walker gets it right: Love is a choice.

 

While there is a sense of security in being “needed” in a relationship, it’s a much more special, beautiful thing to NOT be needed, and yet still CHOSEN.

 

In the realm of skeptical dating, people tend to be on the lookout for the other person to answer the question if they might be a good fit of romantic partner. However there’s also an element where it’s up to us to decide that we want them as a romantic partner.

 

Even better, Walker poses the power of choice in the context of conflict: “Even though I wanna stay mad, even though I wanna get angry..”

 

I’ve heard many songs about love and many about breakups, but seemingly few that portray this view of love through disagreement so beautifully. It’s absolutely a choice to be angry at someone. (Although at times it certainly doesn’t feel like it, which is where a reminder like this may be valuable!). Holding a space to be angry at someone and simultaneously choose to love them and work through the dispute is healthy, and can make resolution easier. It’s empowering to remember you have choice- to stay, to go, either temporarily or permanently. You are not simply victim to the other person’s decisions and actions. Be angry as long as you want, don’t feel like you have to hold something against them in order to prove a point.

 

When you make the decision to choose to love, Walker is mindful that “I’m so mad at you right now that I can’t think straight…I should shut my mouth so I don’t let out the cruel things I say..” He’s aware the anger is right now but not forever. Because he’s keeping in mind his sense of power to choose, he doesn’t need to exert his power or prove anything by hurting his partner. He’s holding the greater perspective of the value of the relationship as a whole, which helps him address the situation respectfully.

 

Ultimately, it’s about keeping in mind priorities; the value the relationship holds being important enough to take time or space away in disagreements, even when it’s uncomfortable to do so. Because, while often conflict feels urgent to restore a sense of security in the relationship, the better choice may be to remember that it’s important enough to be treated with patience. Taking that time apart to let feelings out in a safer space not only protects the relationship from volatile words, it creates a chance to re-center and rediscover this power to choose, and not need the other person to feel okay in the world. In that way, it is very self-loving as well to respect and give space for your feelings, practicing self-trust to be ok when things feel uncomfortable, and make decisions about your actions and the relationship from a choiceful, non-reactive mindset.
Give yourself the love you deserve!

To the recipients of emotional abuse…

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Have you known the you deserve better than the treatment you receive in your relationship?

Do you beat yourself up, feel bad or embarrassed for not getting out of it soon enough?

There’s a secret I want you to know.

Your dedication is a strength.

You love fiercely.

This is a wonderful thing! I just want to offer you one tweak. That love? Turn it inward. To you. You deserve it. It doesn’t even mean you have to stop giving it to anyone else. Just..add yourself into the recipient pool.

We can expend so much energy giving love to another in hopes they will reciprocate. And it’s ok to make this a more direct path to receiving love. It’s ok to value your dedication to relationships and love. It doesn’t mean you have to keep offering it in a direction it’s not appreciated, or drain yourself in an uphill battle. It can be something you appreciate directly about yourself.You may be used to the world demanding a lot of your caring nature. You may have forgotten what it feels like to be truly loved. You don’t need anyone else to remind you. Just make the decision to love yourself.

Give yourself the love you deserve!
Love yourself fiercely!

What can you do, right now,

to commit to loving yourself?

You might be abusing the Most Important Relationship you’ll ever have

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It’s no secret that therapists help you improve your relationships. It’s what we do! However, there are times when I’ve told people I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist, and they at first think that couples and family work is ALL I do, when in fact at least half of my practice is seeing Individuals!

The key is this: The most important relationship you will ever have, is with yourself. Lives change, people move, people die, divorce and heartbreak happen…other people will come and go from your life. But you?…You’re kinda stuck with you!

If you’re going to be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, it’s quite beneficial to find peace in that relationship. Don’t just beat yourself up for all the things you “could have done differently”.  Don’t just look to others to give you love, validate that you’re worthy of companionship and kindness! Do you possess any of the qualities you look for in others? Probably…so enjoy it!

DO respect the person you are! You have interests, and hobbies, you care about people and have unique thoughts and experiences that are completely yours. How cool is that? Doesn’t it deserve some celebrating?

Sometimes when we keep ourselves surrounded with others, it’s easy to lose ourselves a bit. To engage in hobbies that our loved ones engage in because of community, even if it’s not what WE totally love. We let certain things slip away because especially in the early stages of New Relationship Energy, we get caught up and willingly lose track of some things to make more room for time with the subject of our affection. That can be fun and exciting, but think about it. If you and your partner only spent time together while in part of a larger group, would you be satisfied, or do you sometimes want Quality Time just the two of you? You and yourself deserve that too!

Spending some time alone gives a chance to assess all of that. To reflect. If we don’t like our own company…why not? If you’re unbearably negative, do you want to try finding more gratitude? If you’re bored, do you want to try a different activity? If you DO like yourself, take the time to honor that relationship! You don’t ALWAYS have to share with others. It encourages authenticity, growth, and joy to occasionally spend time alone. And…it will have a ripple effect and improve all the rest of your relationships as well!

Take the time for you. Show yourself the love you deserve instead of trying to convince others to do it for you. If the idea of spending time alone makes you anxious, if you fear loneliness or disappointing someone by not including them, give me a call. I’d love to help you embark on a new and fulfilling relationship with yourself!